Pet hates

Since nothing of any significance has happened over the past couple of days I will blog about my pet hates and what really gets on my tits. Commencing at number 5..

5. Woody Allen. Is there any Woody Allen movie in which he does not play himself? As far as I'm concerned every single one of his films is egotistical indulgence. Yes, you are Jewish, yes, you are obsessed with sex and yes, you are intelligent but don't push it in our faces and have the audacity to call it humour.

4. The Sun newspaper. The Sun is the most disgusting thing in the world, nobody should have to suffer reading it as certainly nobody should spend their money it. It is like the newspaper is shouting at you, for example is WAR VETS BOYCOTT FASCIST DI CANIO, is this really front page worthy? Surely nobody gives a shot about that?! Maybe it's just me that likes my facts to be true.

3. Sweaty goals on Fifa. There is nothing worse than conceding a sweaty goal in FIFA, but scoring one on the other hand is a different story which leads you open to to a whole host of abuse as Jordan, my good friend, knows all about because he is the sweatiest of sweatiest FIFA players.

2. People that complain life is shit. Life isn't shit, life could be a lot tougher, last night I watched a programme about a man with have his face eaten away by cancer, he was just happy to be alive. if you dong like life you should seriously consider topping yourself because not many people want to hear about your problems for free! You can be as positive about life as you want to and what you so you reap. Yes, Based God has taught me a lot of things.

1. People that blog as if people give a shit about what they have to say. A blog should be fun and light hearted, not a tedious read and nobody wants to read a out your opinions on the latest blockbuster of why you think tuition fees should be abolished or why bedroom tax is wrong, you're just wasting my time and quite frankly everyone else's. I'm well aware of the irony here ;).

Those are my top five but I have a multitude more , if anyone wants to hear my others they should contact me via pm.

Seeking redemption and Yorkshire puddings

This morning I attempted to find salvation at a church, I took the visit with my mum and sister to what can only be described as an evangelical sing a long. Naturally as someone who is uncertain I about religion I was identified immediately by the vicar/ leader as this. Now it is difficult enough to avoid someone's eye contact when they are looking directly at you never mind the eyes of Jesus Christ our lord and saviour.

Despite my uncertainty about religion I did feel something; though this is probably due to the fact I can't resist a good sing song.

I also learnt quite a lot about Easter Sunday. I learnt this chap called tom the doubter didn't believe Jesus could perform miracles until he saw the moved rock from outside of the tomb!

But ultimately I realised to I was not quite ready for redemption as I like to sin too much, but maybe one day, maybe one day.

Every Easter I struggle to make the connection between chocolate eggs and Jesus; this year is not different. Much worse is the connection between bunnies and eggs.

Also, Yorkshire puddings are the best thing in the world.

Breast implants and moral indignation

Today I thought I would be topical with my post so I decided to post about boob jobs. Now I love boobies as much as the next person but everyone has to draw a line. Never one to make judgements but for this particular woman to stand on the front of a newspaper claiming she has got more confidence from her boob job takes great bravery and a lack of mirrors. In all seriousness I think that the ginger meant should do all it can to make people happy because living is tough these days unless you are beautiful.

In Britain we like to do moral indignation about a whole plethora of irrelevant things, 'with my money, as a tax payer?!' ' coloureds in my country' or 'you can't say that about the queen' are all things that you may well hear in England, certainly things I have heard. But moral indignation about a girl who has just been made very happy is unjustified, if I was a tax payer which one day I hope to be I would not be angry about such a trivial thing. Say if her boobs cost £5000 and there was 50 million tax payers that is only 1/1000 of a penny! I say that all tax payers should chuck in an extra 1/1000 of a penny to sort out her face and then people would have nothing to complain about.

Back home

I have been in Retford for a couple of days now, it's nice to be back home with the menagerie! Two dogs, three cats and four chickens, to be precise. I have thought many a time about assembling a pet army of sorts to fight crime and corruption in Retford but Maddie(large golden retriever) simply doesn't have the heart for it, she is more interested in having her belly tickled and her ears scratched.

I enjoy being back home as I don't have to look at a baked bean because mama j cooks for me every day. Of course that's not the only reason I enjoy being back but it is the most important reason!

When I'm with my mum I can also discuss the finer intricacies of the godfather, I think she has seen the film more times than I have which is quite an achievement! Which leads me to the undeniable conclusion that I have the coolest mother on the planet!

On being a vegetarian (aka being extremely awkward)

So for those of my many readers that don't know I am a vegetarian, I have been for about four years. I can imagine you reading this and being desperate to cancel the tab and read someone else's irrelevant opinions on anything over than being a vegetarian. Also by writing a blog about being a vegetarian I leave myself open to a whole heap of jokes, so I will try my best to be light hearted!

The reasons I became vegetarian are numerous. One day I looked at my dog and considered if I should eat it. Surprisingly I came to the conclusion if no. As delicious as my dog looks she is not edible. The second reason why is because I heard neat is murder and because I hold Morrissey in such high esteem I decided to follow in his footsteps. Obviously the longer my vegetarianism went on the more I learnt about why eating dead things is wrong ;). Also, I had a dream in which Lisa Simpson imparted on me why eating animals is wrong.

Of course this is a lie.

Day to day I encounter very ignorant people (not just about eating animals, for example the other day someone tried justifying racial segregation to me). My favourite question is do you eat chicken or fish? NO I DO NOT BECAUSE THAT DOES NOT MAKE ME A VEGETARIAN! When people ask me why I would do such a terrible thing as being a vegetarian I reply because of you eat death you emit dear, good old Buddha.

Prepare your self for a potentially amusing anecdote...

So last week I met my girlfriends dad and he took is out for a meal. Now you must bare in mind he had the appearance of a man that eats nails for breakfast, not finger nails but nails of the steel variety. He ever so kindly suggested us eating numerous dishes buffet style. Naturally he selected heavy meat based dishes. I cowered away under my chin and muttered the most dreadful words 'I'm a vegetarian'. Because of my muttering he did not hear what I said, so I had to repeat, I am a vegetarian. This was greeted with the indelible response of 'oh that's interesting'.

Oh that's interesting. The half hearted response I get to most of my actions.

I'm well aware of the condescending tone of this post so I will end with a joke my housemate told me.

Why should you always take an elephant on holiday?

Because he always remembers his trunks!

FIFA

So I measure time by the number of games of FIFA I can play; for example, if I put something in the oven for thirty minute that is the equivalent of three games of FIFA. Obviously certain issues arise from this method of measuring time. What if you are not playing FIFA, I hear you say? Well those times are pretty minimal to be fair.

Right now I'm watching a game on FIFA. Chelsea vs Dortmund (proper footballing people).Playing is certainly more fun than watching, but the same can be said of anything, take the simple watching porn and having sex dichotomy; everyone would rather have sex than watch porn but you have to take what you are given.

The funny thing is, I don't actually like real life football with real life men, just to be clear.

Have to go now, there are infinite games of FIFA to be played and forever to play then in. So to conclude, FIFA is the altar I kneel down to every night.

What I do when I have time

What I like to do to pass the time which would have passed anyway is watch films; my favourite film is the godfather because it is awesome, sometimes I wish I was an Italian American gangster, I think it would be fun to pull a few strings from time to time.

That is my opinion of films and I don't think anyone else's matters, well except my good friend dan, whom I like very much because he is exactly the same person as me, the last time i saw him i thought it would be a good idea to ask just exactly when we will kiss to break the tension.

When we are together we like to make value judgements to pass the time, this is very fun as we assume some moral superiority which we are certainly nt entitled to. Sometimes when we have money, which admittedly is not very often, we go to eat salt and pepper chips. I like salt and pepper chips, but not Chinese food in general because it all tastes the same.

My favourite actor is Marlon Brando because in his day he was a real hunk, oh and he acts pretty good too.

I'm 95% certain I'm not gay.